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Elliott Bailey Elliott Bailey
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How to transport a pregnant cow in a Mini


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She had a friend.

There's several factors one must consider when transporting a pregnant cow in a Mini....


Firstly, there's the matter of having defibrillator in case the cow goes into cardiac arrest...


Then there's the important matter of whether or not the cow is allowed to breathe.
Many scientists will rule that it is most definitely allowed to breathe but still there is a lot of misconceptions on this subject which haven't yet been brought to light.


Of note would be the Animal Liberation Foundation of Bovine Coolness' (ALFBC) inaugural manifesto of the right for pregnant cows to not only breath, but even perspire whilst in transit


Some critics suggest that the ALFBC has gone too far and because of their strict regulations they are directly impacting on the livelihood of workers employed by the Bovine Coolness Transport Industry (BCTI).  


However the ALFBC has openly struck back at their critics and the BCTI by implementing further regulatory measures which require classical music to be played at all times whilst cows are in transit in an attempt to soothe their sensibilities.  


This rule only extends to cows being transported in Mini's though as the BCTI used their extensive weight in the industry to ensure that it wasn't extended to other forms of transport.


BCTI workers are currently on strike in an attempt to force the ALFBC to make an exception to their classical music ruling to ensure that they are allowed to play the Mission Impossible theme song on Friday's while transporting cows in Mini's.


This strike action is being closely watched by all stakeholders within the Bovine Coolness Sector (BCS) as the outcome will reverberate throughout the sector and shape the future success of further strike action by the members of the BCTI.


However this is not the most impacting of the factors affecting bovine cow transportation in Minis; far from it in fact. I real question, asked by scientists and chefs alike, is what happens when said bovine requires some personal time to relive themselves? This isn't even to do with the accumulation of said excrement over the journey, which given Australia is geographically rather large could amount to a serious level biological substance accumulating. But rather it's the personal dignity of the cow having to avail themselves while listening to the 18-inch subwoofers blaring Johann Bach right next to their ears...


The bovine scientists are being pressured by the government and society at large to find a solution to the escalating excrement problem.  There are major concerns that the rapid build up of bovine waste outside each major city is causing the degradation of our society.  Some niche groups are even starting to blame the huge waste piles of manure as THE reason for the breakdown in today's youth generation.


There have also been reports by respectable members of society that state they arrived home from work one day to find their house completely crumpled by huge piles of bovine poo.  Many of these respected members of society are blaming the drivers of the Mini's who are transporting the cows.


However what is truly alarming is first hand reports from a few of these victims who said they actually saw the huge pile of excrement moving all by itself and gobbling up their house like a huge poo monster.  However, no hard evidence has been provided to support the theory of the 'Poo Monster' which has become an infamous household name across the land.


In light of such a problematic and I may say hazardous event and due to the public pressure, government of the county, after prolonged meetings and heated debates, passed the law, to avoid future incidents. The law stated ‚Äútransportation of pregnant cows is prohibited‚ÄĚ. It was short, sweet and satisfactory, although, it was not a solution. The problem on hands was decided to be dealt with the following actions. A) Send the army track, medically equipped to handle the situation, b) consider terminating pregnancy and c) terminate the cow, although the last one was not to the public knowledge. It was issued separately and given to the medics that suppose to servicing the medically equipped truck.


The reality was that while all public eyes were on the 'containment' of the situation, the Bovine Transport Lobby were toasting their martini glasses to the successful execution of their deflection campaign. Behind the scenes they had orchestrated the whole scenario in an effort to gain public support for their otherwise controversial change of policy to start transporting cows in Barinas!


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