" - Smoke, haze danced in the air - " Might work better as " - smoke and haze danced in the air. - " But...the word "danced" could be changed too, to better describe smoke and haze. The word "danced" in this sentence implies that the smoke is moving quickly. Perhaps you might just say " - Smoke and haze filled the air. - " But don't forget to give us a small glance at why the smoke and haze fill the air. Doing this will force you to give us a setting, which works well early in the story. I always encourage people to deliver to the readers a setting quickly so that people know exactly where they are in the beginning. Setting allows for a more substantial dive into the story. Try and give us (readers) the "Where" early on so we know right off where we are.

Great beginning.

fun description

What is a Quatran? Could a better word be used to perhaps give the readers an instant clarification of the time owed. I think when you use words like "Quatran," not everybody is familiar with it, and if there is one thing that frightens people away from stories, its when they have to take a break to look a word up. Forget about words that may make little sense to people - unless...you give the reader an explanation of it in the paragraph. Simple words used well can have an enormous amount of integrity, able to hold their own weight in any sense if used in the proper context.

since this is another world...I am taking the liberty of using different measures of time, height and weight to give this an otherworldly feel

whatever happened to this one who is critiquing but not aiding in how the sentences should flow. has he gone away to leave this site for another.

This section is very dramatic. It's odd how you have a sometimes lighthearted tone and then launch into what is really a very dramatic scene. I'm not saying this is a bad thing. :)

I never distinguish on the tone when I write-seems i cannot tell difference. when themuse takes command of me , it is written as I see the words. Am glad you said , it was not a bad thing, since i think it will be prevalent in the whole piece.

I think it actually adds, rather than detracts. Sometimes too much structure can rip away the genius. Haha. :)

You manage to describe so much in as few words as possible. I also like the style of the language and how it suits the period and context.

This is somewhat of a cliche and is seen and read a thousand times, but I don't mind it.

since this seems to be the only piece that is too cliche' how would you convey it. if you would...please.

When I read it I was immediately reminded of Aragorn in LOTR where he is at the Prancing Pony meeting the Hobbits for the first time. I ahve also seen this same seen in other movies and in games and have read it countless times in books. But, even though it is cliche, it is classic cliche and I don't think it needs to be changed, though, you could add something about him being recognised as the mysterious "Bla Bla" at that point to add another layer to the story? Maybe?

oops, was writing too fast. Meant to write "scene" and "have". I think Harley needs to add an "edit" button to comments. lol.

his true identity will not be revealed until the novel's end, sorry, Paul. hope I have not disappointed you..with this tease.

A sentence like this can easily be diverted from cliche with the Robed figure suddenly appearing in a cloud of smoke or electricity or from some hellish place, or blindingly bright place, (if he's a good wizard). And perhaps he's not leaning on a staff. Maybe the the staff is a live creature, an extension of his arm - something. But...in order to be new and crisp and exciting (because honestly, nobody wants The Lord of the Rings regurgitated back at them.) No. Your job as a writer is to entertain and there are so much more ways to do this, but you do have to break out of the norm, the drab, the same ol same ol.' Leonard, there's more here. Alot more. You just have to Conjure all those wildest creatures and forces that want to make this piece shine. Perhaps the drunkard is a giant 8 foot tall goon who is somewhat magic resistant. Forgive me for inserting my own machinations in there but I just can't help myself. I guess what I am saying is that I want more! More colour! More light! More emotions and actions. More! More! More! My intention here is not to discourage you, but rather to help you bust out of the norm that, so far I am presented with, that could make this piece really come to life!

Daniel , thewriting is as it is . this creation is only introductory has nothing to do with the stoty as a whole. i wite what i read ...this novel is a homage to all the writers in my past...ERB, OAK, etc. if you would only give the flow an opportunity to be shown you may see a story that even though cliche. this may not be your style of story, which i agree is your right, but please do not re-write it to suit yourself.

also, DANIEL he is not a wizard nor any of the fairy, elven folk...he is who he is until i finish the novel. this is not about fantasy alone this is about an adventure...one i feel you should allow to flow without attempting to intersperse your own conceptions. you do not appreciate my writing and its flow, write your own novel with all the ideas you tried to change mine

I loved the set up here for a duel.

feet, positioned his gauntleted hands firmly on the staff "and" said or feet, "then" positioned his gauntleted hands firmly on the staff "and" said.

maybe "not of the same mind."

Creative, just creative!

Starting with "His blade raised..." this is an incomplete sentence. Try, "He raised his blade above his head and it commenced its arc as he neared the spot where the hooded figure waited."

typo: Fromt should be front.

Just held the staff firmly in front of himself is not a comlete sentece. Try "He just held the staff firmly in front of himself."

Might read better as The blade came closer, completing its downward trajectory

thank you...when I have concluded my narrative, I will return to go over all suggestions. this piece is 3-4 years of writing, re-writing as of now. I found if I constantly edited what is already written I never will finish. I am making the concerned effort to follow the narrative flow for now. at story's end, I will rewrite all until it is publishing ready.

I don't know from this sentence who raised the blade slightly, whether it was the drunkard or the hooded man.

i stated it was the drunkard's blade...how is that not clear.

i stated it was the drunkard's blade...how is that not clear.

The drunkard's hand (and) arm vibrated with the force of the blow and his sword dropped from his grip.

The word "devilry" works better, unless you are trying to get us readers to see and understand that the drunkard is not very bright and even dumb-witted, which, if that is the case, we must be shown the character's flaws early on. Drunk and haggard is more of a state, rather than the actual way the goon is.

there you go again.... using words that you wish.....how did you get the concept the man is a goon, when he is just a man who drank too much.

Need a dash or something after "clothes"? Rather a wordy sentence in the midst of some great action.

you think it does...what would you suggest.

"The hooded man went over to the young woman as she lay on the floor. Gently he helped her to her feet and arranged her clothes for her, bringing back some semblance of dignity. With that ((or "That done,")), he slowly escorted her to the back of the room."

thank you very much...I like the flow. when I have a moment to edit this I shall.

You are welcome.

I always make a newer, revised copy for my own records when a edit is made(I am hoping to have this as great a novel as I may to evidently send it for publication). that being said I cannot make my edited copy until I repair my printer. however, if you will, Paul, please continue to the next chapter...the next surprise in this narrative awaits you.

"Triple moons" suggests a setting a long way from Earth. However, you have given very little away in this very lively opening gambit.

I am glad you saw the opening surprise in my novel. I hope you continue to follow my narrative to see if I maintain the wonders.