Marysue Shaw Marysue Shaw
Recommendations: 1

Rich emotions expressed in this poem--Wonderful! Play with them some more, just to see what else you can wring out of these feelings while you have them. Nothing lasts forever, not even sorrow. You might want to try on some metaphors using the words you already have to see how that works. I am no good at this, but I suspect you are. Just play with them --and don't worry about ryhming anything. Save every single version you make. I am not kidding! Throw nothing out. Label them all. In one case, you could try something like: In the embrace of the darkest forest, I cried a quiet river. Or" My image rippled pain". Or Pain rippled my face/image/etc. Or: The cold water of your words shivered down my soul. Edan crumbled under sorrow's weight...etc. I love the line "And I fall unconsciously into another mistake"! Boy, can I relate!!! If you can, try to limit the gerunds (-ing ending words) and make the verbs active. This can't always happen, but it lends more strength to your words when you want them strong. You have a great poem here which most people can readily feel. Impressive. Write it several different ways and see which one rocks the most. It is indeed fine the way it is, but you might want to write it many different ways while you are still experiencing these strong emotions. Make the most of this sorrow, for eventually, healing happens and sorrow flees.

Toney Eugene Toney Eugene
Recommendations: 10

THANK YOU SO MUCH! I love poetry so I'm always exploring, experimenting, trying something new. In my collection I have different styles. I really love your suggestions though (In the embrace of the darkest forest, I cried a quiet river). It's really great to come across people who share a passion for writing like myself.

Kaitlyne Beaudin Kaitlyne Beaudin
Recommendations: 25

I love the line "Now my Eden is crumbling apart"

Don Yarber Don Yarber
Recommendations: 42

And as I sit instead of seat.

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Toney Eugene Toney Eugene
Recommendations: 10

Weeping Willow

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soul mates

In the embrace of the lush forest
I laid myself to rest
Crying my tears into a river
My rippled image reflects pain
The beauty of the water starts to wane
And down my soul it sends a shiver. 2 comments

The love of my life has broken my heart
Now my Eden is crumbling apart
Slithering with your words of heartbreak
It’s slowly coiling around me
Constricting, until I’m filled with misery
And I fall unconsciously into another mistake. 1 comment

Echoing whispers lure me to the weeping willow
By the rising sun, its leaves are set aglow
Oh sweet willow, shade my tears
Hide me from love’s treacherous hand
The pain is just too much to understand
Oh sweet willow, please calm my fears.

And as I seat beneath the weeping willow’s shade
I’m willing the pain and emptiness to fade
I’ll let the winds of forever wash away my old skin
As I step out unsure into the new sun
I know that one day this pain will come undone
And on the wings of tomorrow my new life will begin. 1 comment

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