Please login or signup to add a comment to this paragraph.


Add comment   Close
Desmond Lesetedi Desmond Lesetedi
Recommendations: 2

Go chasing waterfalls


Share this writing


Link to this writing



Start Writing

More from Desmond Lesetedi

A home I have never been to
It is temporary
Do for love or die for pain
ELEGANT PRISONER’S DIARY

More Essays

Don Yarber Don Yarber
Recommendations: 42
Being Too Descriptive
Sam Lingham Sam Lingham
Recommendations: 2
Characters
Aaron Greene Aaron Greene
Recommendations: 8
Writing Blog 1: Beginnings
John Tucker John Tucker
Recommendations: 23
Establishing A Character's POV - (Point-Of-View)
Don Yarber Don Yarber
Recommendations: 42
Humor on TV

Now, a good man knows that a little stink from the armpits is a wholesome experience. It enhances your chances of getting laid. Take a look at the animal kingdom; the most sexed are the smelliest and bulliest of the lot, usually with a lot of stuff hanging in the nether regions thrown in for good measure. That method never fails and it has stood the test of time. But since David Beckham introduced an acceptable gayness, even to the point of having a fancy name tagged to it (metro-sexual), it has become rather pertinent that the modern gent be found splashing a bit of water on now and again, else you are considered a caveman.
Since a grown man can’t exactly go skinny deeping at free will; a more decent way is to resolve to taking either a bath or a shower, but therein lies the crux of the matter. Which one to get into: A shower or a bath? Both, I’m sure, have their varied fans and both do a passable job of getting off that crucial stink from the Beckhamised man. Here is what a bathtub does: One immerses oneself in a tub, rolls about and gets off. It’s not that different from a swine taking a plunge in a mud bath. In stark contrast, a shower is akin to having much needed rain falling down on you after a scorching trek in the Kalahari; pure bliss. This issue is not debatable at all, in fact, it should be a subject that is taught in any self respecting university. Here is why:


As alluded to above, a bath is the most undignified manner a man can think of cleaning himself. It is a very dangerous situation that any guy worth his sack shouldn’t have to find himself in. Look, unless you are Mark Spitz, which you evidently are not, then by all means take a shower! Shrek loves a mud bath, but then again the thing is an ogre.  You are not one, but when you start plunging yourself into a bath then you’re in essence starting to cross a very sensitive line reserved at the best of times for pigs. This is simply because a bath is nothing but wallowing in one’s own dirt. All the dirt you accumulated is simply re-smeared to your body again and there is no more retarded way of humiliating yourself. A bathroom time is the perfect time for self evaluation, thinking back or ahead on your life you know, a time to check your vital statistics; testicular cancer in particular.


Now, when you’re busy rolling your marbles in admiration and awe of yourself, chances are you’re going to start thinking of a Mandy and such an exercise of the mind is gonna infuriate your member and he’s gonna stand to attention, look you in the eyes and demand that you give him the attention he rightly deserves too.
But since you are so attached to your member, how on earth are you going to be so cruel as to submerge him in the deep, which is exactly what you will be doing when you step in a bathtub? Now a shower is the perfect place to flex your muscles, and if in so doing, you start spewing creamy lava all over the show because of Mandy, then the cleaning process is nothing more than just letting the water run down your body and washing away all your tears of joy down the drain. It ain’t so with a bathtub, no. Any spewing is gonna result in residues floating all over the water, a nasty concoction of your dirt and just murdered kids. It is very similar to when you boil an egg and it bursts open, leaking egg whites all over the pan, nasty! The cleaning process is just too much and you wonder why on earth Mandy had to share your bath time with you. Obviously she is a girl who knows nothing about housekeeping and no 21st century guy is even remotely attracted to such a filthy creature. Now, in a waterfall environment, Mandy is most welcome since all the evidence goes down the drain without a bother, in fact, you can go for seconds and still look forward for her next visit. She can keep a secret. Such are the perils of a bathtub.

It literally goes deeper than that. As anyone knows, time in the bathroom is the one time that a person has total privacy, to sing, to model in front of the mirror and to fart. Farting is very important, it makes room for food in your tummy, but if you tried it in a bathtub things get all bubbly and for some reason the smell is even worse than out in the open air. Obviously you don’t get this kind of pollution when in the shower. No stinky bubbles to speak off at all. Look, a bathtub is just a place packed with explosives. It’s slidey, and any notion of trying to have a go with your lady in it is gonna result in either one of you drowning or, well, drowning. Tubs are never more than two meters long, rarely sixteen centimeters wide, so unless you’re a scholar in karma sutra then something is going to break.
  Talking about sharing a tub with someone, imagine all the dirt from the two bodies combined, then there is the real problem of not knowing when the other person was using the loo, which means they might not have wiped themselves off sufficiently at the rear side, which means their butt cracks are being rinsed in the water that you’re currently submerged in. Don’t forget the joys of peeing when you’re in the shower, now how do you pull this one off in a tub full of water? How do you spit when in a tub? It really is a journey filled with so many potholes. Water gets cold and foamy, the tub gets lined with grime after a soak and cleaning it requires sticking your butt up in the most undignified manner possible.
The reason why waterfalls are a setting for most pornographic scenes (not that I or any guy would know) must be because of the mystical qualities that arise from there. It is a thing of beauty to watch a lady shake her wet hair and lather her body up and down in a shower, it is even better when there is the two of you so close together that no drop of water seeks passage between the two of you, just like nature intended, unlike a bath that creates oceans between the two of you.


Besides, have you ever seen a movie in which someone got electrocuted while taking a shower? I know for a fact that happens a lot in the tub, a lot of deaths too, people slitting their wrists and lying in wait for death, the mafia drowning your wife or kids in there too not to mention the fact that a tub is a good way of interrogating someone's poor soul. I need a shower now!


Link to this writing

Share this writing


Next: Cuisine