Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

" - The thing shuffled up to the wardrobe and bashed loudly on the doors. I screamed. - " To fill this out nicely I think an exclamation mark at the end of 'I screamed!' would give it more oomph! More...thrill!

Rebekah King Rebekah King
Recommendations: 21

I thought about adding an exclamation mark, but decided against it as I didn't want it to be emphasised too much. I wanted it to seem final as I wasn't intending on writing more when I first wrote Part One :)

Aaron Greene Aaron Greene
Recommendations: 30

Somehow I knew this thing would not hear. take out the "the"

Rebekah King Rebekah King
Recommendations: 21

Somehow I knew this, the thing would not hear. As in, she's calling it the thing and "this" being the noise. It makes sense if you read it aloud.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

" - It still went without a complaint - " This is a very good line!

John Ramsbottom John Ramsbottom
Recommendations: 5

I liked 'without complaint' personifying the door behaving quietly and obediently

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

" - the torch was sitting on the carpet, right next to my right foot. - " In this case it is not necessary to tell the readers precisely where the torch is. You might just say that the torch was below your character, within reach, next to her, etc. It acts as a speed bump, taking away from the natural flow of the sentence.

Rebekah King Rebekah King
Recommendations: 21

Alright, thanks, I'll change it.

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Rebekah King Rebekah King
Recommendations: 21

At Night - Part 2

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At Night - Part 1
No End to the Nothing
At Night - Part 3
At Night: Kieran's Killing

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For Fools

What is bashing on the doors of the wardrobe...?

I started to panic. My head screamed at me to hide. I jumped into my wardrobe as quickly and quietly as I could and shut the door. I sat panting in the darkness as the sound came closer and into the room. I controlled my breathing so it was nothing but a whisper as whatever it was searched my room. Then I heard a sound that sent chills down my spine – blood-curdling screams of pain. David and Kieran. The thing shuffled up to the wardrobe and bashed loudly on the doors. I screamed. 2 comments

At least, in my head I did. Outwardly I was too terrified to make a noise, and I knew that any sound I did make would mean my end. I just sat silent in the darkness of the wardrobe and waited, listening. Whatever it was did not bash on the doors again, so it must have been checking to see if anyone was hiding here. I heard another of those guttural growls coming from right outside the door. The sound sent chills down my spine and a tear silently rolling down my cheek. I continued to listen as the thing moaned and shuffled about.

It seemed like hours had passed, though it was probably only minutes, before I heard the thing growl one last time and shuffle out of the room and onto the wood floor of the hallway. I waited until I heard it shamble its way back down the corridor where it had come from before I allowed myself to move. I turned my head to the side to try and see out of the crack between the wardrobe doors. It was dark, so the view was poor, so I decided to risk a little noise. I reached out with a shaky right hand and pushed gently on the door, inching it open. I thanked my lucky stars as the door opened smoothly without a creak or a groan. 3 comments

I was comforted by the soundless motion of the door, and tested it by pushing it open further. It still went without a complaint, so I pushed it all the way open with only a small squeak. Somehow I knew this the thing would not hear, or I at least hoped. I leaned out of the open door, being careful not to make more audible noise as I did so. The coast looked clear, from what I could see, so I carefully climbed out of the wardrobe and onto the carpet. I stood for a moment, completely stunned by what had just happened. I let out a small whimper and hugged myself. I was shaking violently, as if I were very cold. But I felt only the warmth of the adrenaline pulsing through my veins. 5 comments

I simply stood for a moment and tried to catch my breath. I felt sick – sick to my core. I knew that those screams I’d heard meant that I could not try to save David and Kieran, and I didn’t know what had happened to Maddy. But if she was still in the kitchen, and she heard the screaming and the growling and the shuffling, she may have had the sense to leave the house. She may still be alive and on her way to getting help. But, if those screams had meant there were more of those things... I had to get out of there.

I thawed out suddenly, a mission on my mind, and looked around the room for something that could be helpful. Then I remembered the reason I’d come in here in the first place – the torch was sitting on the carpet, right next to me. It was still on dimly. I reached down and picked it up, shining it around the room, being careful not to point it out the door. The light wasn’t enough to illuminate the room, but it would have to do. And maybe that was a good thing anyway. 2 comments

I started searching the room for something – anything that I could use to help me escape. After several minutes of silently turning the room upside down, I had found another small torch that was quite bright, my mobile phone which I had accidentally left on charge whilst at the pub, my Swiss army knife and a small shoulder bag to put it all in. I packed the items into the bag and decided I would use the dim torch inside, as the light seemed to be what attracted that thing in the first place, and that was something I didn’t want.

I sat and thought for a moment – I knew that the nearest help was roughly a twenty-minute drive away, which meant that it would be about two hours walk if I ran as often as I could. I would need sustenance. Water was essential and I knew where the empty bottles were, but I worried about the noise the rusty kitchen faucet would make. Then I remembered that I had placed a bottle of water in the fridge before I went to the pub as I did every night for the following day. I was pretty sure there were some trail bars in the pantry, too.

I worried that whatever that thing was might decide to come back up the hall soon, but there was nothing for it, I had to leave right now. I half-crouched and walked as quietly as I could without being too slow. I decided that if it came back, I would crouch low in the darkness and hope that it wouldn’t see me. I prayed that the wooden hallway floor wouldn’t creak under my weight. I took a deep, silent breath as I stepped out of my bedroom and onto the floorboards.

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