Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

Nice of you to give us a little detail of what it looks like without showing us directly. The slight detail helps your story, heightening the suspense, only strenghthening our resolve which we live vicariously through Emily! Nice!

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

" - Muted thud - " does not work. Instead we want to hear a great crash, smash, bash - something that offers a great weight and quick violence to this sentence! Muted thud does not have that effect.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

Again "dull" thud brings to mind some slow, beast we could easily escape or kill. Were you to add a terrific shock to this sentence, perhaps some violent outburst of savage strength and ferocity we would be more likely to hold fear in our minds than mediocrity.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

What kind of growl does it have? What fears does it invoke with every growl? Simply saying growl is weak and could be easily strengthened by adding a 'likeness' to the sound, such as a cross between a savage howl of a werewolf and some ghastly screeching of a giant eagle - something to that effect!

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

" - It seemed like another lifetime, though it was probably only an hour ago. - " A powerful sentence that reveals not only the mindset of Emily, but rather reaffirms the terror that she - that we all - have just lived through! Excellent!

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

I enjoy the way you inject the idea that there are more monsters. This is actually quite terrifying: the thought of there being more out there just waiting to have their savage meal is quite chilling!

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Rebekah King Rebekah King
Recommendations: 21

At Night - Part 4

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How will Emily escape...?

I had to get out of there.

I hauled myself up off the kitchen floor back into a crouch. I was shaking like a leaf and panting like I’d run a marathon. I took a few moments to control my breathing before I allowed myself to move. I started to cross the kitchen floor towards the lobby, but stopped once I reached the doorway – the bathroom was to my right and the door was down. I knew that if I looked into that bathroom I would have an emotional breakdown and lose my resolve entirely. Something, as harsh as it sounds, that I could not afford to do.

I took a couple of deep breaths before proceeding through the kitchen door into the lobby. I made myself swear that I would not move my eyes from their forward gaze until I reached the front door. I continued slowly from the slate floor to the concrete and headed directly for the front door, which was now in view. I kept my eyes forward, knowing what it would mean for them to wander to the right. As I passed the bathroom doorway, I didn’t look, but I could smell a terrible odour already. It smelled like rust and salt... blood.

I didn’t dare look now. I continued on, a little faster from anxiety. I headed straight for that front door. I knew that once I was through that door and outside, locking the door behind me, I would be safe. There was no way even that monster could bash that door down – a cyclone wouldn’t pull that thing off its hinges. I continued on, faster still, being careful not to make noise, but it was easier on the concrete – my footfalls were discreet.

Eventually, I made it and touched the doorhandle in relief. I unlatched the deadbolt and it went with a rather loud click. I froze, waiting for the monster to come running up the hall at the sound. I was sure that seeing Maddy had made it more alert, suspicious that she wasn’t the only one. Nothing happened, however, and after half a minute of hearing no growls or shuffling, I turned the doorhandle, the frosty night air starting to seep in through the small gap between the door and its frame. I breathed it in through my nose, almost tasting the freedom.

Then I heard growling. I swung around and saw the monster charging up the hallway towards me, very fast. I screamed aloud in surprise and hastily threw open the door and charged through it, pushing the outside screen door open as I went. I turned around and my heart sank – I had to reach back into the room to put the deadbolt back across so the door would lock and the monster was very close. So close that, as I looked back into the house, I saw all of its horrible, mutilated features almost as clear as day. Whatever it was, it definitely wasn’t human. 1 comment

Praying silently, I reached around the door and flicked the deadbolt hastily back in place, then withdrew my arm and slammed the door shut just as the monster bashed on it with a whack that was loud even with the door closed. I threw the screen door shut and backed away across the width of the front porch. I could hear the terrifying bashing of the monster trying to break through, it growled with each strike. The sounds it made were more terrifying than the imagination could conjure - far worse than anything you imagined when being told the horror stories of your youth. They were the most fear-inspiring sounds I'd ever heard. I started to hyperventilate, my head was pounding, my hands were shaking and I felt like I wanted to laugh, cry and vomit all at the same time. But instead, I turned away from the house, something that took great courage, and faced the night. 3 comments

It was still freezing out and I was relieved I hadn’t taken off my jacket earlier. It was a new moon tonight, so on top of being freezing cold, it was also pitch black. I was glad I’d grabbed the brighter torch, but I didn’t want to use it unless I absolutely had to, as I didn’t know how many more of those things were out here and where they were hiding. I moved further away from the house onto the gravel of the kind of courtyard between the house and the huge carport that looked like a gutted shed. I wanted to move away from the grunting and groaning and thudding of the monster so I could clear my head and think while I allowed my eyes to adjust to the darkness.

I tried to think back to earlier in the evening, when the four of us had gotten home from the pub. It seemed like another lifetime, though it was probably only an hour ago. The power was out when we arrived and I said I’d go check the fuses, but I needed my torch to do so. I sent Maddy into the kitchen, but where did I send David and Kieran? To the shed? Yes, to get more torches. Then I remembered that the fuses were also in the shed, so I didn’t know why I hadn’t just gone with them. But now I was grateful that I hadn’t thought of it before. 1 comment

Then something else occurred to me. I knew from the experience in the house that the monsters were attracted to light. Turning on the dim torch from my wardrobe was what had attracted that thing in the first place. So I knew that light drew them. If only I could make some sort of powerful light source to draw them all to one spot so I would have enough time to get away from here. 1 comment

I had a sudden ‘spark’ of inspiration – the fuses! Of course, I could switch the fuses to turn on all the lights in the house! That would surely attract any other monsters out here towards the house and I could slip by them and escape! But then, there was only one problem – if those screams I heard earlier had been screams of pain and torture and death...

David and Kieran’s bodies were in that shed.

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