Summer Breeze Summer Breeze
Recommendations: 19

you conveyed the mood very well in this intro. it needs some editing: a tense shift at one point, and some description is not necessary because you've already said it with the characters' actions.

David Anderson David Anderson
Recommendations: 2

Yeah, I noticed some of what you said after I posted it but, none the less, I am glad to see this type of feedback. :)

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

When introducing a character, it is important to address the character/s name unless the story requires you to keep him/her in a secretive light such as in a mystery novel, or if the character is used as a backdrop from the point of view of another character of greater importance. By introducing your character/s you will have set their importance - their theme, so to speak, allowing for a smoother transition of storytelling. It also does away with having to say "the man" when speaking of the character (which hinders the story and makes for a less professional piece.)

Summer Breeze Summer Breeze
Recommendations: 19

wow, what a difference. i love this section. you have a gift of drawing the reader in closer and making the story so much more personal.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

" - For better or for worse, she has proven herself to be the one for me. Not trying to say it’s all been a fairy tale or anything. Trust me, just like with all and any relationships, we have had our ups, our downs and our in-betweens. We’ve had our fair share of fights and arguments. We’ve both yelled and said things that we wished we could take back… But… But, through the worst of times, we were always able to find common ground. Whether that be to discuss the issue at hand, or to just back off to neutral corners for the time being until the two of us cooled off. - " This part delivers a very real aspect of people. Relationships - written as well as you've written it here, makes this a very real and telling emotional piece of human conditioning; that place that is always (and should always be affected) by the characters we create. A good way to draw your reader in. Well done!

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

This is just plain old good writing!!

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

" - After a few seconds, Vincent leans in and gives Ashley a passionate kiss, which she returns, pulling him tighter against her body. With the two’s lips interlocked, Vincent reaches under Ashley, taking her by her upper thighs and lifts her into the air, placing her butt atop of the deck’s rail. Breaking the kiss, Vincent kisses his way to her neck and as he begins to head south - " This reminds me of one of my own works called "A Love Scene" that I had posted earlier in the year. Very well written David. I am one to certainly appreciate when a writer takes his/her time in exploring a scene where the love of a man and his lady come together, utterly spellbound by the thing that lives deep within their hearts - that very thing that is drawn out against all other things simply when holding one another, by simply looking into each other's eyes. Awesome!

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David Anderson David Anderson
Recommendations: 2

= A Day At A Time = Part Two


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Under the Double Star - Chapter One

=Part Two=



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The Last Normal Morning
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       The early morning sun arose leisurely over the horizon, illuminating the world in a blue hue. The frowns of the palm trees danced with one another in the small suburban neighborhood of South Florida as a light sea breeze blew in from the east. The smell of the ocean lingered in the air, attacking the nostrils with it’s salty, fishy scent. Wave after wave break on the shore, carrying with them sand as they creep back into the ocean, leaving small shells of wonderful pinks and oranges in their wakes. Reflecting off of the ocean’s water, the rising sun distorted it’s image, breaking into blurry horizontal lines of bright orange.
       Stepping out from a single story home onto a wide wooden deck, a tall, lanky man holds a cup of still steaming coffee as he walks up to the deck’s edge, resting both of his elbows on the deck’s railing. As he takes a sip from the cup, he watches as the bottom of sun finally delivers itself from the horizon, ascending it’s full body over the Atlantic Ocean. Smiling as he enjoys the peace and tranquility, he closes his eyes, feeling the soft breeze cascade across his face.
       “I’m surprised you’re not asleep,” said a voice from behind the man. With his smile growing, the man opens his eyes and shifts his body so that only his left elbow rests on the deck’s rail and that his body is in such a position that he can see behind him. With her black hair blowing across her face, her dark bag encased soul-reading blue eyes stare at the man with an ‘I wish I was asleep’ look about them. Time seems to slow down as he watches as she reaches up, using her middle finger, she gently removes a couple strands of hair from in front of her facing, pushing them back behind one ear. 3 comments


***************


       “My wife… Ashley. The best thing to happen to me. For better or for worse, she has proven herself to be the one for me. Not trying to say it’s all been a fairy tale or anything. Trust me, just like with all and any relationships, we have had our ups, our downs and our in-betweens. We’ve had our fair share of fights and arguments. We’ve both yelled and said things that we wished we could take back… But… But, through the worst of times, we were always able to find common ground. Whether that be to discuss the issue at hand, or to just back off to neutral corners for the time being until the two of us cooled off.
       I know it has been said a million times by a million different hopeless romantics over a million and one years but, when I first saw her, I knew she would be the one I was to marry. Just something about her attracted me to her and no, it was just not that she was Aphrodite in human form. Call it ‘fireworks,’ call it ‘meant to be,’ call it whatever you want. All I know is that as soon as she came into view that my life was forever altered. It’s hard to explain really. It’s kind of like… The life that you had was great and you knew it was great but then this unforeseeable event, in my case, the meeting of my wife, took that ‘greatness’ you had and made it just… Good. Even if that unforeseeable event was removed, you could never go back to it being great because you knew it was just good at that point. You knew there was a possibility of something greater. You saw it. You felt it. You experienced it. So, there, standing in a check-out line with arms full of groceries, mouth opened and eyes bulging, I saw my future.” 3 comments


***************


       As the brisk air of the morning breeze encased itself around Ashley, a shiver was sent through her body, causing her to cross her arms across her chest to try and generate heat as she walks up to the her husband, who wraps his arms around her as both of them turn to watch the early morning sun say goodbye and hello to full-on morning.
       “Vincent?” Ashley said with a pondering undertone to her voice.
       “Yes?” Vincent replied as he tightened his arms around her, trying to provide her with more heat.
       “Do you think we will ever be as happy as we are now?” Inquired Ashley with a meditative tone.
       Vincent takes in a deep inhale through his nostrils as he places the bottom of his chin on top of Ashley’s head, thinking over the question that she asked. Exhaling, Vincent answers, “I don’t know really. It would be hard to imagine.”
       “Why’s that?” Ashley asked as she turns around, wrapping her arms around Vincent’s waist and peering deeply into his eyes.
       Looking deeply into her eyes in return, Vincent romantically smiles as he removes his right hand from the small of her back and removes several strands of hair that has blown back into Ashley’s face. “Because, right now, this is heaven to me…” After putting the few loose strands of hair back behind her ear, Vincent, in one fluid motion, slides his fingers tips down the curvature of her soft, supple face. “… And I don’t know of anything better than heaven.”
       Silence falls between the two as Ashley smiles and as the two continue to look romantically into one another’s eyes. After a few seconds, Vincent leans in and gives Ashley a passionate kiss, which she returns, pulling him tighter against her body. With the two’s lips interlocked, Vincent reaches under Ashley, taking her by her upper thighs and lifts her into the air, placing her butt atop of the deck’s rail. Breaking the kiss, Vincent kisses his way to her neck and as he begins to head south, the all too familiar sound of a baby crying is heard from within side of the house.
       “Ugh. He must be hungry again.” Ashley said with a hint of annoyance to her voice. As Vincent steps back and helps her down from the rail by taking her by the hand, he gives her a ‘it will be alright’ smile, one that she does not return. Walking passed Vincent, Ashley begins to head into the house.
       “Babe?” Vincent calls out as he turns to face his wife. Ashley turns around and raises her eyebrows, non-verbally saying ‘Yeah?’ Taking another inhale, Vincent winks as he says, “I love you.” Ashley smiles from ear to ear and with the puckering of her lips, blows Vincent a kiss before turning back around and heading into the house. Exhaling a sigh of complete bliss, Vincent turns around and faces the ocean once again. 1 comment


***************************
Present Time
***************************


       “Ashley…” Vincent said as he gentle runs his hand through her hair, causing Ashley to blink her eyes awake. “It’s finally dark outside. We got to get going,” Vincent says as he stands up, giving her a smile of reassurance.
       “You sure?” Responds Ashley as she does a double take at the infant in her arms, making sure that all is okay. Vincent gives her a nod before walking towards the broken door leading out of the small cinderblock room that they are in. Sliding her back up the wall, Ashley stands and readjusts the blanket that Todd, her infant child, is tucked tightly up in.
       Looking over his shoulder at both his wife and child, Vincent smiles, “Ready?” Without uttering a word, Ashley raises her eyebrows and shakes her head ‘no’ in a playful manner. Vincent smiles even greater and with a quick jerk with his head, he motions for her and their son, Todd, to follow him.
       Following Vincent’s lead, Ashley holds Todd tighter against her chest as she feels the anxiety build up. The three take soft steps down a cinderblock hallway until coming to a door knocked from it’s hinges and laid splintered on the cement floor. Looking down at the door with a quick glance, Vincent looks back at Ashley, making sure that she is still in tow. She is. Stepping to the door frame, Vincent looks out and as soon as he does, his head lowers with great disappointment.
       “What is it?” Ashley asked with alarm. Vincent looks up at her and says nothing. Ashley, curious, steps next to Vincent and looks out the door. As her eyes grow large, she ducks her head back inside of the building and looks at Vincent. “They are every where. What are we going to do?”
       “There is only one thing to do…,” Vincent replies as he lifts his circular saw to eye level, detaching and reattaching the portable battery pack, checking that all is in working condition before looking back at Ashley, “… Get through ‘em.” Ashley’s fear consumes her as her mouth immediately goes dry and as he breathing already picks up in pace as her heart begins to pound. “Stay on my ass… You hear me?” Vincent says, trying to verbally shake her from her frightened state. Giving her infant son snuggled tightly in her arms a quick glance, Ashley looks back up and gives Vincent a nod. “Alright, let’s go.” Vincent dashes through the door…..


[To Be Continued]


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