Cindy Beitinger Cindy Beitinger
Recommendations: 37

Just something to consider: I have read "Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants". I'm sure there are many readers just like me. I think you need to give a better description of Lulu.

Cindy Beitinger Cindy Beitinger
Recommendations: 37

to (change)the girls minds

Cindy Beitinger Cindy Beitinger
Recommendations: 37

as they both carried boxes up to (her) room

Cindy Beitinger Cindy Beitinger
Recommendations: 37

It seems odd to say: He accepted the invitation by Bree's mother to join them for dinner. And headed home. (I'm assuming he stayed for dinner but not I'm not sure)

Aaron Greene Aaron Greene
Recommendations: 30

I'm assume the whole story, or at least the majority, is from Bree's POV. I see a slip of POV tward the end of this section, into Jude's. Unless this is 2rd Person Omnipotent, watch out for this.

Please login or signup to add a comment to this paragraph.

Add comment   Close
Natalie Leclerc Natalie Leclerc
Recommendations: 2

more of: Untitled (For Now)-Part 2 *Just another slice*

Share this writing

Link to this writing

Start Writing

More from Natalie Leclerc

The Man Who Waits
Narcissistic Parents
Untitled (For Now)...
My Bullying Story

More Books

Harley Bailey Harley Bailey
Recommendations: 29
Jennifer Killby Jennifer Killby
Recommendations: 6
The Legend of The Travelers: Willow's Journey
Georgina Connor Georgina Connor
Recommendations: 8
Amanda Krumme Amanda Krumme
Recommendations: 18
Avery King Chapter One
Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23
Under the Double Star - Chapter One

Another sample of the book I'm writing. Part 2

(These scenes will be near the beginning of the book).

As Bree drowned herself in the music of Katy Perry, one of her favorite singers she barely heard the constant knocking of her brother Pierce trying to get in. She turned down the music a bit to say come in but he had already opened the door,

"Yes?" She snapped at him.
"Uh, your two friends are here?"

Gill and Lulu were two of her best friends who also lived in the same suburbs. Gill, aka the gay British lord as Bree called him not only because he had the accent he had the European flare to go with it. And dressed way better than she ever could. Then there was Lulu the quiet outspoken one, think of Lena from "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" that's Lulu. She collects art like Bree, but Bree is the louder one of them. They all met at school, and Lulu and Bree had applied to work at Hallmark together and both had gotten positions. 1 comment

Gill walked right in-front of Lulu striking a pose in her doorway.
"Hey Bree-licous lets go out!"
"Gills I told you, I can't tonight I have homework."
Lulu shifted her position pushing past Gill and walked over and sat next to Bree;
"Oh you girls are so dull tonight!"
Lulu piped in, "we both have homework we can't just skip it and go out"
"Yes you can. Its what I'm doing!" He threw his book onto Bree's unmade bed.
"And what grades do you have exactly?" Lulu said reaching for the book.
"C's mostly which means meh. But I'm fine, I'm going to fashion school anyway.They dont care about high school gpa's."
Both of the girls cracked up with that line.
Bree had to chime in. "Oh the naiveness of Gill."
"Oh the naiveness of you two and not wanting to go out and enjoy yourselves."
Gill came and collapsed on the bed next to Lulu, contempating bringing up going out again to chance the girls minds. 1 comment

Pierce presented himself in her doorway once again;
"Hey Bree, can I borrow 14 bucks?"
"What for?"
"Uh, to go out?"
Gill found his chance to bring up the subject again;
"See Bree, he's going out! Why can't we again?"
She rolled her eyes in Gills direction.
"Go away Pierce, I'm busy."
"Just give me the money and I'm gone."
"Okay geez, Bree, I'm leaving." Sticking his tounge out quickly at her he made his escape,
just as their mom yelled up at him to leave her alone.
"Seriously Bree, why does he get to go out and not us?"
"Gill!" Both girls said at once. 1 comment

---I wrote this because I wanted to get a good intro on the two best friends that Bree has, I want Gill to be the humorous one. I made him gay and based him off a lot of my gay best friends who bring that humor into my life. Lulu is based off my shy friends I've had. Also in the beginning I want a good intro on Jude. Her other neighbor friend. Because Gill and Lulu are her main best friends then Jude is the best straight guy friend she has. So I will write how they met below this next scene ideally will be after the scene above when the friends leave and shes looking over at Jude's house and remembering how they met. Leave comments and let me know what you think of both of these scenes.----

After conviencing Gill that she and Lulu would not be going out, they got down to do some homework. After having dinner with them they returned to their nearby suburb homes. As Bree returned listening to Katy Perry singing about Friday night on a Tuesday night. She looked out her window towards Jude's house; his bedroom light also remained on. His window must have been cracked open because she heard his favorite song by The Beatles. Bree was remembering back on the day they had met, when they were just moving in. She was unloading her stuff from her car when he came over. He was the shaggy skater type but was slighty cute. 1 comment

"Hi, your new around here huh?"
She set down the box, she hadn't wanted to make a fourth trip in. "Yeah, just moved here. New to the whole suburb neighborhood. How is it?"
"Oh its good, the houses are too close but the people are decent."
Bree let off a little giggle.
"Whats your name?"
"It's Bree, you?"
"I'm Jude, like that song from the Beatles?"
"Yes I know, I love that song."
He blushed.
"Listen do you need any help with those boxes?"
"Yes, Id love some help." She grinned widely, "thank you."
As they both carried boxes up to their room, Jude paused in the hallway next to her room looking at one picture Bree's mother had hung up of her mother and father on the cruise they met on many years ago. They looked so young.
"Are these people your parents?"
"Yes, that was many years ago they met on a cruise ship. He was from England, she was from here in California they did long distance for 2 years. Then he moved over here, they settled down, had me and Pierce. They are still together and still in love."
"Wow thats a great story. My parents met on Eharmony, the dating site."
"Thats a good story too."
He smiled at her. 2 comments

Once in her room he helped her unpack, and they got to know eachother.
Through many more trips in and out and once everything was moved in.
He accepted the inviation by Bree's mother to join them for dinner. And headed home.
From that moment on they were good friends.
Jude's music contuined to play from across the way so Bree decided to see if he was in his room or not, she did their signal. Turning the lights off and on twice.
His lights returned the signal, he was home. She heard the usual ringtone on her cell phone; 1 comment

"Hi Jude."
"Hi B. Saw the signal."
"Yeah I was just remembering when we met, reflecting."
"I still remember what you were wearing that day."
"You do?"
"Yes, but in the non-creepy way, I swear B."
She decided to quiz him. "Then what was I wearing non-creeper?"
"That sliver jacket, a black tank top, dark jeans, and your white boots."
Wow, he did remember.
"I can't believe you remember!"
"Do you remember what I was wearing B?"
"Um, honestly no, I just remember thinking how grateful I was that you were helping me move boxes."
"Oh." He had wished she remembered.
"Hey Jude, I've got to revise my paper for tomorrow, I will call you later?"
"Oh, ok B talk to you later." 1 comment

After she set down the phone she still was thinking how suprised she was at the thought of Jude still remembering what she was wearing that day. "It was only 2 years ago so not too long. Right?" She thought. What she didn't realize was across the way at Jude's house he was listening to the Beatles and wondering why in the world he didn't just get it over with and tell Bree how he feels about her.

Link to this writing

Share this writing

Next: Deserted