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Morte Sangriz Morte Sangriz
Recommendations: 1

Mother


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She had a friend.

      She is drunk again... The wine dulls her senses and spreads inside her veins.It makes its way up and down her body with each beat of her heart and I don't know who I should hate more the wine or her. It must be so simple to drink away your problems whenever you get sad. It must feel wonderful to not remember your own name at times. Oh yes, it must be lovely. For her to do it over and over again.


       Her arms wrap around me and she whispers my name into my hair. She breathes and murmurs lies and pointless lies into my ear but it just sounds like the same shit from last time before she broke into tears. I am tired of holding her as she cries about things that I deal with too; so exhausted of having that scent hang to my clothes when it spills from her trembling glass. I hate it when she does this, leaves her sickening scent of wine in the air around me; and it just pisses me off so much I want to scream.


       But I don't...
      
       Somehow I restrain myself from yelling and throwing and kicking things around like I always want to. I just stare at her and pretend that I believe her when she says she loves me more than HIM or my brother. I pretend that I have not heard these same bullshit stories every single time she has had too much to drink.It seems that now I have mastered my emotions because when she cries I no longer care... Does it make me have a cold-heart?


       There are times I wonder who suffers more from her outburst; my brother or I.


       She stumbles when she walks, she stutters when she speaks, and she looks at the world with a pair of bloodshot eyes. When it happens like this, I hate myself for not being strong enough to make her stop. She smiles so much it hurts me to look at her and she is like such a child that I feel like parent when she goes out. I know it is not supposed to be like this but I know nothing besides this pattern I have lived with since my very early childhood. Back when she used to not come home at times and when she did she had no idea who I was...


       Honestly I just want it to stop...


       I don't want to hold her like she should hold me, nor be the parent that she never had. I just want her to be the parent I need right now...


       I want her to be my mother if nothing else. And I want her to not make me hate her with every swig of wine in her body; because I don't want to love her and hate her at the same time....


       I just want to be a child like I was meant to be...


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