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Amanda Krumme Amanda Krumme
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She had a friend.

This writing contains explicit content and is only for adults. You have been warned.

Summer 2013 This must be what crazy feels like. A well known emotion builds within me. I feel lost, my heart heavy. Millions of thoughts swiming through my head, and I dont want to think about any of them. Want them all to disappear and let me rest for once. Jonas looks so calm and serene. I stare at him. He sits beside me, as he always does, long blonde hair flopping into his aqua eyes as he waits patiently for me to speak. Why can no one else see him? Or hear him? To me, he is so real... I want to reach out and touch him, but I know I can't. I know it's impossible. Deep down I know he's just my imagination. But he's still my best friend.

  "You okay?" He asks. Sensing his worry I force a smile and nod my head. It would kill him if he knew the source of my discontent. What does it even matter? So what if he is imaginary? He's always been there for me. Always knows just what to say. Knows me better than anyone else. "You're lying." He says simply. No question about it. Perhaps he knows me a little too well.

  "Why can't you be real?" My words come out harsher than intended. Like I'm angry with him over something out of his control. He looks hurt. That's not what I meant. "Real to everyone else like you are to me. Real so that others can see how wonderful you are. Real in reality and not just in my fucked up mind. Really, real Jonas."

"I dont know what to say. I dont really mind being imaginary. I'm okay with it being just you and me." He smiles sweetly and it is my undoing. Tears sting and threaten to fall. My best friend in the world is just in my head. A manifestation of my insanity. Proving to myself that something is wrong with me, but if I fix it, I'm likely to lose him forever.

"Am I crazy, Jonas? " 1 comment

"Indeed, you are. But wonderfully so." He places his hand on mine, and although I cannot feel it, it's a comforting gesture. This is when I want to lay my head on his shoulder or hug him tightly. This is when it hurts the most. I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

"I don't think I want to be crazy." I tell him. He is quiet, and I assume I have caught him off guard. He knows as well as I do that if the insanity goes away... so does he.

"How bad has it gotten?" His voice is too soft. For the first time ever, I think Jonas is afraid.

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