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Jordan Hewitt Jordan Hewitt
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This writing contains explicit content and is only for adults. You have been warned.

I swear a little in this. Reader discresion advised.

Ah yes, The first week of college. The week a man is most likely to find a woman to take to bed and not expect anything in the future. A week of one night stands, a week for the lonely to seek grand sexual adventures with very new people in a very new home. Do I wish to participate? Yes I do. I wish to slay women nightly and take no prisoners. I wish to be that douchebag that never calls back. That guy who brags to his friends about the hundreds of women he's fucked in the last year. I wish to be confident, and cocky in my interactions. I wish to walk up to a woman, wink, and have her swoon so violently that the next few hours become a blur as her king produces more pleasure than she knew she could feel. I wish I would be that guy that all the girls dream about, the one they pray will take them next.

Aye, it's nice to dream. But it's difficult when I don't seek this outtake on life due to the fact that's not who I am. I am not what I wish I was. But then why do I wish that lifestyle? Why do I wish to become the one thing I could never be? Is it societal pressures? Is it this mental notion that a REAL college student should be a certain way? The thing is, I'm not looking for some meat. Im not looking for someone to make me cum. Of course im not looking for a relationship either. I'm looking for a companion. Now this companion is not someone I talk to and share my feelings and emotions. Not some gooey lovey dovey shit. No. I want, I need a companion that is young, beautiful, intelligent, loyal, supportive, ambitious, open minded, curious, sexual, confident, mine.

Now that last "Mine" sounded kind of possessive. I can't lie, it kind of is. No I don't want to hold her back and control every aspect of her life. I dont want to force her to do things she doesn't. I don't want to be possessive to the point of oppression. I want to be possessive to the point of safety. I want to be possessive to the point of security. To the point where she won't leave me and I wont leave her. Now I want this possession to be mutual. I Hers, and Her Mine. I don't want dominance, I want equality. My father burned into my mind that balance is key. I completely agree. When balance is no longer in effect problems arise over time and those problems can sometimes become fatal. That is something I must avoid. Fatal situations that could jeopardize the companionship. Companionship.

I use this word a lot in here. I use it in situations where companionship could easily be replaced with relationship. In all reality it truly could. In fact the only reason I say I want a companion instead of a girlfriend is the fact I feel a companion is more likely to stay with me than a girlfriend. A companion is loyal. A girlfriend could be but is less likely to than someone I hold a deeper connection to. Now I could just become more deeply involved with my girlfriends, but I don't feel I could. Perhaps my mental conditioning has tainted that title over many failed relationships. No, I have not been dumped every time. In fact, it's completely even. I have dumped as often as I have been dumped. I am not a dumper or a dumpee (As John Green would call it) I am neither. I am right in the middle. Yet somehow 'Girlfriend' has been tainted. That word does not mean the same things to me as it may others. Thus I search for a companion.

For me, theres some things I can tell a friend that I would never tell my girlfriend. Some thoughts, emotions, fears, regrettable actions. See I keep a separate life from the girl I am with and the girl I wish to be with. The girl I'm "Just Friends" with knows more about me than any girl I've fucked. Now that may not make sense. Why tell the one you're not intimate with all your secrets and don't tell the one you lay naked with very much of anything? My only theory is security. That girl who i'm friends with won't abandon me because I looked at some other womans ass or because I have a deathly fear of death (Ironic eh?) or because I lose my mind for a moment. No she will stick with me till the day we die simply because we are not afraid of each other. We are not afraid to show our true inner soul. We are mutual with what we give and take. We accept our differences and continue to remain the best of friends. The closest thing I've ever had to a companion. We may fight but we return. We may shut down but we return. We may take, take, take, but eventually we return. We support each other when needed. We save each other when needed. We are loyal in our friendship. Then why don't we have a relationship? Why not throw in that sexual piece into this? Why not become true companions and fuck each others brains out? Why not kiss hello and kiss goodbye? Why not say you love each other? Communication.

Although our friendship is flawless in many ways, our lack of communication proves a difficult challenge. We never really stay on the same page. We have tried the whole relationship thing in the past but each attempt has resulted in complete failure. Although lack of experience and the fact we were in our youth before maturity began to take it's effect on us, may have played a major role. But the largest factor was our lack of communication. I have yet to truly know what her feelings were during our brief relationships however I know that I always felt as if I loved more. In fact that may not be the case but that was my thought. This inequality caused me to believe I should do less, feel less, in order to balance out the relationship. I didnt want to be the naive vulnerable one who was oblivious to the fact my feelings were not mutual. I wanted to be in the know. To hold a strategic advantage and prevent my heart from being broken. I had been hurt before and I did my best to prevent that in future relationships. It never worked with her. I cared too much, loved too much, showed too much and that left me vulnerable. Each break up of ours was painful. Sometimes more painful for her than I. Sometimes more painful for I than her. It varied from time to time.

We fought a lot. Something I missed. Our fights were true battles, throwing everything we had at each other in fits of rage and pain. But these fights always resulted in a draw. Either one of us would fall asleep or we would call a truce. Postponing our wars for a later date. A cease fire allowing us to rebuild mentally and emotionally. A brief period of time to rebuild the damage and return to each other with open arms. Our fights were brutal but necessary. The struggles of our daily lives were bottled up over time then released on eachother. A form of violent mental therapy that was necessary for each of us to continue living. Each fight was a release. A moment where we could let it all out and cleanse ourselves of our suppressed rage. But with all wars come casualties. Ours was our bond to each other. Although a fight every once and a while is necessary to maintain balance, if the frequency of these fights increases too much, damage is done. Irreparable damage that results in the end to our relationship.

Now our relationships did not end just because we fought too much or not enough. Theres too many factors. Things we did or didn't do over time that build up and finally break that bond. allowing us to drift away from each other and become separated before one of us finally realizes this love is over and the relationship must end. This leaves the break up.

We are better as friends than boyfriend and girlfriend. For some reason that label alters our thinking and the casual companionship from before turns into an awkward encounter and loses its depth. It loses the connection between us and instead of relaxing we now fight to keep the one person closest to us and this also provides strain.

I want her to be my companion. I want to love her and fuck her and treat her to nice things. I want to kiss her and learn about her and protect her from her demons. I want to save her and join her and support her through life. I want to be loyal and loving and have an enjoyable life. The only question is does she want the same with me? Are these feelings mutual? Does our lack of communication force us away from this romantic aspect of our companionship? I dont know. I dont know when I will know. I dont know if I ever will know. I probably won't ask her. That natural human fear of rejection bites the back of my conscious constantly. I fear of losing her because she is the greatest person to enter my life.

I didn't make the mistake of entering college in a relationship. I made the mistake of entering college in love. In love with a girl in a way I doubt could be possible for a young male. In a way I doubt could be mutual. I'm probably going to do my best to suppress this love. Replace it with one night stands and drunken mistakes. Loveless sex and meaningless conversations. Im going to search for someone to replace her. Prevent myself from becoming a burden on her. Prevent myself from getting hurt. Fight to live the stereotypical lifestyle of a college male and prevent myself from losing her. Id rather keep her and suppress the urges to wrap her in my arms and kiss her until she melts. Suppress the urges to take her to bed and share a truly personal connection. Prevent myself from showing my love. She means too much to me to lose so I will suppress.

She'll find out one way or another. She'll probably read this. But will this change her treatment of me? Will this change her demeanor around me? The fact I have confessed this powerful love will she draw farther away from me? Or will she draw closer? Will she tell me? Or will she hide it as I do? I won't know until she tells me.

Your move Jessica.

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