Davide Castel Davide Castel
Recommendations: 39

Would it be more effective if the word 'Shattered' be on a separate line each time?

Davide Castel Davide Castel
Recommendations: 39

Break up the sentence on another line, to make it more effective...broken glass,( new line) which...

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

I agree with Davide, it would have a lot more effect if the sentence was broken into two, and shattered where on another line. I really think this could have impact with some simple editing.

Leslie Blackwell Leslie Blackwell
Recommendations: 21

Yes, I think the constant use of Shattered does not really seem to work and only makes reading this awkward. Try changing Loving fearfulness = Loving fear, unawake awareness = unconscious reality.

Please login or signup to add a comment to this paragraph.


Add comment   Close
Mac Smith Mac Smith
Recommendations: 1

Shattered


Share this writing


Link to this writing



Start Writing

More from Mac Smith

Censored
To Be Interpreted: internal dialouge
beauty

More Poetry

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45
Murder in the Senseless
Leoni Carlson Leoni Carlson
Recommendations: 12
Expressivity
Aaron Greene Aaron Greene
Recommendations: 30
Author's Clog
Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23
JUST BECAUSE
Kitchera Hicks Kitchera Hicks
Recommendations: 11
soul mates

Shattered, this one word clung to his mind like superglue. He could only recall that one feeling, Shattered.
Eternal bliss, Shattered.
Loving fearfulness, Shattered.
Unawake awareness, Shattered.
He sat their with shards of memory like broken glass; which as he sifted through cut deep leaving the mark on his skin that was once only internal.
Shatter. 4 comments


Link to this writing

Share this writing


Next: Acharya