Asma Ahsan Asma Ahsan
Recommendations: 31

Nice! Good use of imagery. Removing the full stops at the end of all lines will make it look even better and improve the flow.

Asma Ahsan Asma Ahsan
Recommendations: 31

I like these lines but the balance got a bit off here. How about you write it like this. - My heart begs you - to see with ease - Refraining from the first letters - this message relieves - Try writing as four lines. Also, in a poem, you should not put full stops at the end of each sentence. Some tips. :)

Taylor Lanson Taylor Lanson
Recommendations: 13

I don't think you understand the purpose of the poem. Let me clarify. If you read the first letters of each line (as the poem tells you to), you will notice that it gives you a message. By changing the first letter in the lines or changing up the length of the stanzas - you loose the message. I understand your tips if this was a traditional poem - but it is the farthest from that. Perhaps there is a different way to approach the last few lines - but I am stumped on how to do so while retaining the "hidden" message.

Davide Castel Davide Castel
Recommendations: 39


Asma Ahsan Asma Ahsan
Recommendations: 31

Oh. It took me a second point to get our point. You are right. I was looking at it in a traditional sense.

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Taylor Lanson Taylor Lanson
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soul mates

Wallows in open arms.
Inward grasps that cling to truth.
Love to stay and life to live.
Leveled meaning to those that give.

Yonder, backdrop to infinity.
Over the eyes which thy hold so dearly.
Up to never ceasing hands.

Great desire onto that which can be held so close.
On top that which one wants the most.

Twilight aroma of solemn waiting.
Onward to the answer that I am gating. 1 comment

Honed sight for which I cling.
O'er the round which on I lay.
May thine own heart be here to stay.
Ever holding to me, I say.
Care for you until time ends.
Owning the feeling without past trends.
Mostly though, to see eyes open.
Inward looking out to see this question.
Never to be strayed in path nor purpose.
Going to the beginning of my bastion.

Wherefore this implication is remaining.
In ubiquitous restraining.
To that which can be held so close.
Help me to know that which I love the most.

My heart begs you to look with.
Ease... refrain the first letters which this message relieves. 4 comments

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