Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 3

" - With no mother and father to speak for him he has often let his voice be heard rather then keep silent. - " Using the word 'had' in place of 'has' allows your reader to grasp the setting of your character for future references, doing away with any misconceptions that may arise. The word 'has' naturally holds the connotation that he (your character) 'has, up until now' or 'has, as of late' or simply 'has done in he past, but no longer is doing it now.' Using the word \had' changes the feel of the sentence as well as solidifies the meaning without any confusion. Or better yet you could say something like 'With no mother and father to speak up for him he had become accustomed to letting his voice be heard rather then keeping silent.'

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

Raven you have a great talent and your character so far is very engaging and I want to know more about this Jasok that you write about. That said what Daniel states above is exactly what I was thinking when I read this paragraph. That one subtle change would put your character on more solid ground and even give him more depth.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 3

" - But I will always stand to be part of a city that is the one true light in this never ending sea of darkness. - " I like this sentence. It represents a great deal in scope and ability - for those in attendance, for quite possibly, those few in office who may be leaning toward something other than the darkness that surrounds them.

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Raven Roads Raven Roads
Recommendations: 6

HarborStone Part 1 Revised

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Under the Double Star - Chapter One

Carefully looked over all my mistakes and rewrote the final draft of Part 1. Read and Enjoy fellow writers (:

The sun rose over the city. Shops and Stalls opened, and crowds began to form. A peaceful start to the small city of HarborStone. Once a peaceful settlement, so named for their willingness to take in the unfortunate, HarborStone has slowly been drifting to be an area of corruption and greed. A militia was formed to reinforce the new harsh laws that had come to pass. Many refugees began to avoid the city and the ruthless politicians that had taken power.

In the northern part of the city a young man by the name of Jasok looked down at his hometown from his sanctuary. An abandoned clock tower. His clothes were simple. Black vest over a white shirt with black trousers. His eyes sparkled bright blue and his hair matched his vest. A very simple yet unique young man. With no mother and father to speak for him he had often let his voice be heard rather then keep silent. He is known as a very smart individual, Known most for resisting the changes that had come. Despite his best efforts, Jasok could not stem the tide of corruption, yet still he fought.  He was loved by the common citizens, but hated amongst the nobles. He was known for his way with words and the ability to change the mind of just about any man. He had been responsible for the rejection of several laws that raised taxes, enforced curfews and many strict laws that come to the table. He was a common Hero. But he still felt empty. 2 comments

       Something was missing. But what? Jasok thought of ways to find it every night before he retired to bed. No matter what, the answer eluded him. He had everything he had wanted. Or did he? He had popularity. His name was known all over HarborStone for his heroic tendencies. Money was not important to him, nor was the comforting voice of parents. He had risen himself in the very streets below the clock tower. It was home, but empty all the same. Empty of meaning and of emotion.

        His hands twitched and suddenly felt heavy. His entire chest begin to feel weighted along with his legs. He blinked once and jumped back as his eyes focused on his body. Blood red armor was on his chest, arms, and legs. Two swords rested in his hands, black in color. He blinked again and it all disappeared. The feeling of the added weight disappeared and Jasok grew sad. It fit him perfectly. He was comfortable for the first time. 1 comment

       He blinked hoping to see the image and feel it again. He blinked over and over praying silently to see it one more time. To study it. To find himself. It wouldn't come back, despite his efforts. Jasok groaned in frustration and sat in a chair. He shook his head and tried to erase the vision from his thoughts. What was there to do today?

        There was the council meeting. New laws were up for debate and passage. The new tax rate would be announced and discussed. That vision still confused him. Blood red armor was all he could remember. Blood red. . . The color brought something to mind. Jasok could not remember. He groaned again in anger now instead of frustration. The unknown had always driven him crazy. He pulled a book from under the chair and began to read. Anything to get his mind off of the vision.  His clear blue eyes pored over the text, and he forced himself to concentrate. His hands started to hum and light shone from the book. He jumped up in fear and toppled over the chair. He landed with a thud on the ground and a scowl covered his face. There was no point in continuing this train of thought, and he had finally realized that. He slowly stood up and stretched, feeling the muscles of his bone relax from the motion.  The city bells suddenly began tolling and  he looked out the window. The council meeting was starting. Jasok's job had started.

X                                            X                                    X

       Jasok dressed quickly in his social outfit. A white shirt covered by a long black overcoat and black trousers. He put on his polished boots and ran down the tower. He couldn't afford to be late and let the nobles abuse their power. He was the only man brave enough to stand against them, so to Jasok, it was his duty rather then a simple job. He arrived just as the roll calling started and he sighed in relief. He concentrated on catching his breath and making sure he was presentable. He caught his name and announced he was present. As the meeting finished its introductory duties, Jasok remained quiet. The new laws that had been put up for debate were announced but one caught Jasok's ear more then the rest.

       "With the growing population from  our citizens, and the growing rate of crime due to the influx of refugees. It has been suggested that we turn away any and all refugees who wish to live inside the city. A new wing of the city will be built labeled 'The Slums' where any refugee will be directed to live. This district will not be a part of the city and will not take place in regular Council Meetings. More concessions will be announced if the Law is passed. Any arguments for both Yay and Nay may take the floor now and present their case."

       Jasok frowned and rose his hand. The Consul called on him and he calmly walked to the center of the room. Many politicians muttered their disapproval of seeing Jasok. They already knew his position and seemed determined  to keep their opinions stable.

       He began to speak, his voice clean and even.

       "My fellow citizens. The very idea of this radical law astounds me. Were we not built by refugees? Were we not all refugees at one point in our family history? When people choose the comfort of their homes to more bountiful prospects in other cities, should we be the ones to harshly turn them away? Is that the legacy of HarborStone?"

       He looked around the room, his eyes shining with anger. They seemed to pierce into the hearts of every man he looked to.

        "The city that turned away people simply because they were not born in the city. That does not sound like the people I know you are. We need to strive to be that one light in the darkness. The light at the end of the tunnel for everyone seeking sanctuary. With tensions high in the lands of Ackioe, many are fleeing to Lerida for refuge and shelter.

       "We are certainly no capital, but we can be with both time and patience. But to one day be named the capital of our prosperous nation we must accept refuges with open arms. They will be both the blood and heart of our miraculous city. They will build our homes and supply our food. They only wish for a life away from possible war. A place where they can both earn money and find a family. That is the HarborStone I see in my future. One that people speak of for its kindness and beauty.

        "This horrendous law will have many other people looking down on us. The idea suggests that we think that we are a superior race compared to everyone else. I'm sorry to say my brothers and sisters. We are NOT superior in any way, shape or form. Like any other human, we have our flaws. So to suggest that we are superior is both ignorant and increasingly selfish. You believe to be better then your fellow man? Then you have no part in my life.

       "Now see, I know that some of you disagree with me. And that's the point. We are all human. We are all entitled to our opinions. And that right there proves that we are not superior. It proves that we have things in common with the people you believe to be inferior. With this my case is made. Deliberate if you must. Let other men poison you with debilitating words and ideas. But I will always stand to be part of a city that is the one true light in this never ending sea of darkness. That is the HarborStone I live in now. And the one I hope to continue calling my home.
Good day brothers and sisters." 1 comment

       He walked to his seat and let his words sink in. He smiled as the council room  sat still with deafening silence. Another 5 star performance from Jasok of HarborStone.

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